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Domestic Violence -

"Why Don't the Victims Just Leave?"

This information has been adapted from various sources. It's designed to help people understand why it can be so difficult for a victim of domestic violence to leave the abusive situation.

Go Straight to the Reasons

If your situation scares you or your children -- or makes you or them uncomfortable -- please seek help immediately. There are trained professionals near you whose goal is to help you with expenses, financial support, clothing, temporary and permanent shelter, food, emotional support, counseling, rebuilding your life, legal advice, drug/alcohol counseling, protection from retaliation, education, career guidance, parenting skills, job training, baby-sitting, daycare, and specialized intervention. We wish we could guarantee your safety if you leave; alas, we cannot. But the professionals will do everything in their power to keep you and your children safe.

And if you know of someone who's in need of intervention, please either encourage that person to get help from a trained professional -- or if the person is a child, call the police or your state's protective services. You can do this anonymously (and you should know that, by U.S. law, anyone who suspects that a child is being abused must report it). Remember, it's hard for an abused person to leave or sometimes to even recognize that help is needed (see below). Please don't turn your back.

Some Reasons Why Victims of Abuse Might Feel They Can't Just Leave:

	They have been repeatedly told -- and have come to believe -- that the problem is entirely their fault and/or the children's fault
	They have been repeatedly told -- and have come to believe -- that if they leave, they will lose custody of the children
	They have been repeatedly told -- and have come to believe -- that if they leave, they and/or the children will be harmed or killed
	They grew up in an abusive home and don't know any other way to live
	They are so emotionally damaged that they have lost touch with reality
	They suffer from debilitating despair, depression and hopelessness
	They are afraid they will not be believed, or that police will just send them back
	They are afraid of being embarrassed, that everyone will "know my business," that people will say "I told you so"
	They depend on the abuser for ongoing living/medical expenses
	They believe they need money before getting away
	They believe family debts must first be paid off

They are afraid of emotional damage to the children or that the children will hate them for leaving

	They believe there is nowhere for them to go
	They have (or feel they have) no marketable job skills
	They are involved in some form of criminal activity and/or substance abuse (this might have been used to hold them, or it might interfere with their ability to see their situation for what it is)
	They are socially isolated, resulting in a lack of support from family or friends, and a lack of information regarding alternatives
	They are afraid of involvement in court processes
	They suffer cultural and/or religious constraints; they might fear that religious leaders will not be supportive
	They are afraid of retaliation
	They are afraid of being lonely
	They are insecure over their potential independence and a lack of emotional support
	They have guilt over the failure of the relationship
	They worry the abuser will not survive without contact
	They have assumed responsibility for the abuser's welfare
	They hope the abuser will change (This is unlikely without intervention.)
	They are ambivalent and fearful over making formidable life changes

They believe the abuser is a "good father" and/or will not harm the children (In reality -- besides the possibility of physical danger -- children suffer from simply being in the presence of abuse. Not only is it emotionally damaging, but they are learning that abuse -- or the acceptance of abuse -- is normal behavior. )

Remember: Trained professionals are waiting for your call. They want to help you and your children (or the person you know who needs help). They will help you deal with your fears, with counseling for you and your children, and with rebuilding your life. If you're afraid or uncomfortable, please seek help now! We wish we could guarantee your safety if you leave -- we can't. But the professionals will do everything they can to keep you and your children safe.

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