What is Discipline?

What is discipline? As many people as you ask -- that's how many opinions you'll get on how to handle a rebellious child. What's the best approach? Spanking (we define this as one or two light swats on the rear with an open hand)? Time-outs? Counting to three? Sending the child to bed without supper? Sitting down with the child to talk things over? A combination, perhaps? Some depend on spanking as a last resort; others suggest it irredeemably damages a child's emotional development, motivation and even his IQ. Some people would like to see any form of corporal punishment outlawed.

Safer Child, however, sees discipline as different from punishment. It's a method of correcting inappropriate behavior, sure, but we also see it as a way of teaching and guiding. For us therefore, the word also includes praise, laughter, and fun.

What You Must Remember: Children need and want firm and consistent limits. We know it can be hard to hold the line on their behavior. It can be inconvenient, frustrating, maddening, saddening -- but your children have to know that you love them enough to not just tell them "No," but also to make the "No" happen. If you consistently give in, they might very well continue to push you in order to find out where the boundaries really are.

Remember: You are the parent. You do your child no favors by trying to be a buddy instead of a parent, or by letting your child dominate you. We read this phrase in a book called "Kessa," by Steven Levenkron, and we loved it: "No respect, no security."

Banning spanking -- People feel strongly about the spanking issue. A proposal in January 1999  -- had it passed the city council -- would have actively and officially discouraged spanking anywhere in Oakland, CA.

How do we feel? Safer Child isn't going to tell you to spank or not spank. We know there are many ways to lovingly raise a child. However, we have a high regard for time-outs, and we are wary of punishment that is done in anger, that causes physical pain to a child, and/or that doesn't actively reinforce positive behavior and loving attachments. See Safer Child Suggestions, and also the procedure that we found to be most effective.

We do believe in strong and consistent discipline, but we don't feel the word necessarily means something physical. On these pages, we provide you with alternative means to discipline a child, and information on what the experts and the law consider to be physical abuse. We'll give you links to organizations that discuss various methods of discipline and that have different points of view. And then we'll let you -- the parent -- decide for yourself.

What we found to be more effective than spanking:  Child goes into corner (much wailing and gnashing of teeth). Bone of contention, if there is one, sits in plain view nearby. Parent sits next to child.

After about 30 seconds, parent gently asks child: "Are you ready to talk?" Child wails some more. Ten more seconds go by. Parent asks again. Child nods, still wailing. Parent calmly asks, "Can you tell me why you're in time-out?" or perhaps "Can you tell me what you did that has put you in time-out?" Child (probably) says, "I don't know."

Parent gently describes what happened and what went wrong, then asks again, "Now can you tell me why you're in time-out?" (Sometimes, this takes several attempts, so patience is important). Finally, child responds with some variation of the correct answer. Parent offers suggestions for appropriate behavior, and elicits confirmation from child that child understands. Parent says time-out is over and offers hug. Child runs to parent. Hugs all around.

While doing this exercise, it's important to remember that your ultimate goal should be to help your child learn, not to critique or nag. Keep in mind that your child might have made a mistake, might have misunderstood, might be frightened, overtired, dehydrated or confused. So keep the tone of your voice gentle and calm, and offer comfort and support.

For more tips on discipline, please see our Tips For Gentle Discipline page.

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