-
| |
Warning
Signs of Possible
Abusive
Partner/Caregiver/Family Member
This information has been adapted from
various sources, including National CASA Association,
the State of Idaho (Idaho Department of Health &
Welfare, Family and Children's Services), and others.
You might recognize some or all of the signs
listed below, and there might be other signs we haven't listed. Not all of the signs need
to be present for your situation -- or for your child's situation -- to be dangerous.
Besides the physical danger, your children might be learning either to accept abuse, or
perhaps to be abusive themselves. So if several of these warning signs are
familiar to you, or if your situation makes you at all uncomfortable,
please seek help immediately.
We wish we could guarantee your safety or that
everything will turn out the way you want it to turn out. Alas, we cannot. But the
professionals will do everything in their power to keep you and your children safe -- and
to try to keep your family together.
And if you know of someone who's in
need of intervention, please either encourage that person to get help from a
trained professional -- or if the person is a child, call the police or your state's
protective services. You can do this anonymously (and you should know that, by law, anyone
who suspects that a child is being abused must report it). Remember, it's hard for an
abused person to leave, or sometimes to even recognize that help is needed. Please
don't turn your back.
Go to Top
Warning Signs
in Abusive Person's Behavior With You or Other Adults:
 | Has an excessive and early attachment, with a quick push for
commitment. |
| Is possessive. Calls and visits unexpectedly, checks up on
you, reads your mail, monitors and/or interferes with other relationships. |
| Is excessively controlling -- of money, investments,
entertainment. Interrogates you about your activities. Tries to keep you from making
decisions for yourself. Expects you to stay in a stereotypical or servant role. Enjoys
trapping you. |
| Expects you to meet every need and "be there."
Will have impossible expectations, and when you fail to meet them, will make you
responsible, saying, "this is all your fault," "I wouldn't get so angry if
you'd just do things right," or "if only you'd be nice to me, I could be nice to
you." |
| Tries to isolate you from family and friends (saying they
only "cause trouble"). May want you to quit your job, give up your car or
telephone. |
| Consistently blames others - friends, family, the children,
government, employer, police, teachers - for problems or things that go wrong.
|
| Has low self-esteem. Is hypersensitive to criticism and easy
to insult. Will rant and rave about things that can't be helped, and will claim to be hurt
when actually angry. |
| Flaunts power symbols -- such as weapons or brute force. |
| Withholds support, love, or affection out of anger, hurt, or
need for power |
| Enjoys hurtful, degrading, or violent sex. Finds the idea of
rape thrilling. Will ignore your protests by telling you "it's all in fun." |
| Has poor control over emotions. Has erratic and severe mood
swings -- going from sweet and tender one minute to angry or violent the next. |
| Might admit to hitting a partner in the past, but says the
partner "made" him/her do it. |
| Might admit to having been sexually or physically abused. |
| Is critical of you and others. Will say
hurtful, even cruel things, and might enjoy waking
you up just to criticize you. Might threaten you
with violence, saying "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and will
dismiss your fears with "You're crazy," "You're no fun," "I was just talking,"
or "Everybody says that." Might even seem honestly remorseful...but
the remorse doesn't last. |
| Uses the children against you; threatens you with loss of
your children or with harm to your children if you don't do what you're told. |
| Threatens you with suicide or with reporting you to
authorities; makes you participate in illegal activity in order to hold you. |
Go to Top
Warning
Signs in Abusive Person's Behavior With Child (or Other Vulnerable Person):
Sexual Boundary Violations:
| Excessive questioning of child about sexual issues |
| Excessive concern with child's changing body |
| Sexual staring at someone's body |
| Inappropriate comments about other's body |
| Signs of jealousy, anger, or overprotectiveness when child
socializes with person of opposite sex |
| Watching someone undress |
| Sleeping with child past appropriate age |
| Telling child inappropriate sexual secrets |
| Sexual reading to child |
| Use of inappropriate sexual language |
| Showing of own body parts to child |
| Pornographic photography |
| Jokes or comments about sexuality |
| Penetration of body with objects |
| "Inadvertent" touch |
Emotional Boundary Violations:
| Unclear who is adult and who is child -- child
might be forced
into adult role |
| Adult's needs always come first; child is taught to ignore
self and attend to others |
| Adult considers child to be extension of adult |
| Disrespectful behavior, sadism or sadomasochism toward child
or other vulnerable groups. |
Emotional Abuse:
| Neglects child's emotional needs or child's desire for
nurturing |
| Blames child for parent's problems |
| Denies reality as child sees it (child learns to distrust
own feelings, thoughts, and beliefs) |
| Overprotective or smothering |
| Love of child is dependent on child's behavior
-- Engages in withholding support, love, or
affection out of anger, hurt, or need for power. Also
terrorizes, ignores, isolates, rejects, corrupts. |
| Child must watch others being physically, emotionally or
sexually abused |
| Teases
or tickles to tears, punishes
for skills way beyond abilities, or is casually
cruel to a senior or disabled person. Shows
disrespect for anyone seen as "lesser." Treats others like objects. |
Physical Abuse:
| Neglects child's physical needs |
| Slaps, spanks,
scratches, pinches, or
squeezes |
| Beats with objects, cords, sticks, boards, or other
objects |
| Throws,
pushes, or shoves |
| Burns, scalds, or
freezes |
| Forces
child to eat, drink, or have a bowel movement |
| Starves, denies child
liquid, prevents child from going to the bathroom |
| Overworks |
| Forces child to live in dangerous or inappropriate
situation |
Go to Top
Warning Signs
in the Behavior of Someone You
Care About (Friend or Loved One):
|
The partner tries to control
your friend's (or loved one's) behavior, finances, children, career, and friends.
|
|
Your friend's children become
more and more withdrawn from friends and family.
|
|
The partner often puts down,
undermines, bullies or criticizes your friend or
the children in front of others.
|
|
Your friend or the children
seem afraid to make the partner angry. They jump to do his/her bidding, and don't ever disagree
with him/her in front of others.
|
|
Your friend or the children seem
quiet, confused, upset, unhappy, depressed, angry, or withdrawn.
|
|
Your friend makes comments or jokes
about the partner's behavior, but then laughs them off, says they aren't serious, says she/he
or the children asked for it, or says that's the way men/women are.
|
|
Your friend or the children
seem to have injuries that go unexplained, that are too frequent or too serious,
that go untreated, that appear to have the shape of fingers, cigarette butts or
irons, or that don't make sense from what is said. Explanations between children
-- or between your friend and the children, or between the partner and the
children, or between your friend and the partner -- conflict.
|
|
You've seen the partner get
angry, bully others, throw things, or threaten your friend or the children.
|
|
Your friend will cancel planned
activities without notice, or with excuses that seem
weak.
|
|
Your friend will miss work, or the
children will miss school, and the excuses will seem weak.
|
|
Your friend or the children have a
serious and unhealthy change in weight, appearance, health, self-esteem or
routine.
|
|
Your friend or the children seem
reluctant to be at home -- or reluctant to leave home.
|
|
Your friend or the children seem
excessively protective of each other.
|
|
If you express concerns about
any of the above to your friend or the children, their explanation or their reaction to
you still leaves you with the feeling that something is wrong.
|
Go to Top
|
