Tips for Communicating Well

These tips and suggestions are meant for anyone - toddler to teen to adult. Modify them for your children, for your spouse or partner, for your friends and for your co-workers. If you have other suggestions, please tell us!

Be a good listener and remember what you've been told:   Actively listen to what you're being told. Look your child in the eye, and don't try to do something else at the same time. Don't give your child the old, "Uh, huh!" parents give when they aren't listening. Your child will see this as distance, and will press you harder. Eventually, your child will either give up or find a destructive way to communicate. Make it a habit to internalize what you're hearing and to remember it.

Don't brush off excitement:   If your child walks in the door with something to tell you -- put down the paper or book, turn off the television, put down the phone and listen. Don't make your child wait. The excitement will vanish, and someday, resentment might replace it. In the long run, the television -- even a favorite program -- really doesn't matter.

Teach your child that's it's OK to be happy: Don't be jealous of your child's excitement or happiness, even if you're having a bad day. If you teach your child to only be happy when everything is perfect, your child will grow up to be an unhappy child. If that's OK with you, or if you think that's the way things are or should be, consider getting some counseling for yourself before you pass this incredibly destructive attitude on to your child.

Take advantage of opportunities:    Good times to talk are in the car, during bath time, at the dinner table, after a bedtime story, during picnics, on a walk, while shopping, or while playing a game. We aren't suggesting you harass your child, but when the opportunity for listening presents itself, take advantage of it.

Remember that children and teens don't talk or think like adults do:  Try to make communications gentle. Often, less is more (as in less talking on your part and more listening). Watch their reactions carefully. It won't help to over-psychoanalyze them or their friends. If you advise them to communicate with their peers in an impossibly mature way, they'll tune you out. And if their eyes glaze over, you're probably doing too much talking and not enough listening. Your young children speak and think in concrete terms, usually with them at the center of everything. (This is not selfish of them -- this is the way young children are). So they need brief and to-the-point communications, they don't always need complete explanations, and lectures will roll off them like water on oil. Your teens might be easily embarrassed and easily put off. They might try very hard to seem cool, aware, and even bored -- even when they're desperate to know something. Let them guide you.

Don't interrupt:   Allow your child to finish sentences and whole thoughts. Sometimes it will take your child a while to get the thought out. Don't push or rush it, and resist the urge to finish the thought for your child.

Ask open-ended questions:   Ask questions that require some thought, not just a "yes" or "no." If you don't understand what was said, then try to elicit more information. Paraphrase what you think was meant and ask if that's right. Follow up comments with more conversation. And if you get to a point at which you need peace and quiet, gently say so and explain why. This will be more effective than ignoring your child or pretending to listen.

Show respect:   Your child is a growing person with thoughts and feelings particular to his/her place in the world. Respectful communication is interested, caring, polite, thoughtful and patient. It allows for questions, curiosity, new ways of thinking and even rebellion. You can ask for input on family decisions (even your toddler can help make choices) -- and then take all the suggestions you can. Communicate with your children in a way that's as respectful and polite as the manner you use with your friends and coworkers.

Watch the teasing:   Sometimes it makes us feel powerful or strong when we compare ourselves favorably to others, and that's natural human behavior. But laughing at a child is a weak position and quite damaging to the child -- especially if it's done in public. Watch that gentle teasing doesn't become hurtful.

Stay positive:  If your child is trying something hard, avoid rushing to predict failure. Your children will seek to meet your expectations (whether they're positive or negative), so be positive, supportive and encouraging.

Be consistent and try to not overreact:   It's wonderful to encourage children to speak their mind, but what happens when they say something upsetting, annoying or embarrassing? Often, we unwittingly undermine an excellent lesson by overreacting when our children do exactly what we asked. Your children are still learning about social rights and wrongs, so be careful about overreacting to innocent questions or rushing to judgment. Examples of overreacting: walking away, slamming doors, throwing things, issuing a litany of previous grievances, lecturing, name-calling, yelling, sarcasm, bullying, violence, snapping, being shocked, crying, guilt-manufacturing. You don't want your children to think curiosity is bad, that articulating feelings -- even passionate ones -- is bad -- or worst of all, that they are bad. Instead, praise them for wanting to understand tough issues and topics, and gently explain why there might be a better way (and better time) for speaking up.

Accept your child's feelings and help them articulate:   Resist telling your children that they don't feel the way they do, that they shouldn't feel the way they do, that others will not like them for feeling the way they do. Everyone has a right to his or her feelings. But sometimes it's hard for little people to articulate what they want to say. For example, children might say, "I like Mommy better than you!" when what they really want to say is, "I'm mad at you for not letting me play with the power drill." Help your children voice difficult concepts and emotions.

Understand what you're afraid of:    As children, most of us learn that anger is bad, conflict is bad, fighting is bad, arguing is bad, opinions are bad, and disagreeing with others is bad. We disagree. Everyone has opinions -- some of us are more vocal than others. The world is too diverse for all of us to agree on everything, and you don't have to agree with your children for the world to keep turning.

We do think, however, that if you have a fear of being disliked, abandoned, yelled at or ostracized, it can interfere with your desire to communicate with your children. A counselor can help you put your fears into perspective and to recognize that fear is usually bigger than the reality it represents. Learn to take ownership of your opinions -- and teach your children to do the same. What's important to proper communication is the ability to voice your thoughts fairly, compassionately and effectively.

Tell them the truth in age-appropriate ways, and encourage them to always tell you the truth:   Children are perceptive and intuitive. Even if they don't understand that someone has lied to them, instinctively they'll know there's an undercurrent of something else going on. Lying to your children can easily break the delicate bond of trust between you. There have been debates in this country about what constitutes the truth and what constitutes a lie. But that's for lawyers -- in our hearts, we all know what a lie is, and so do our children.

If your child begins to lie to you, take some time to examine the situation. Is your child old enough to understand what lying is, and have you taken the time to gently explain and reinforce the lessons? Do you practice what you preach, or are you setting a bad example by lying to friends, family or coworkers? Do you allow your child the room to admit misbehavior, or do you make the prospect of telling the truth too frightening? Is your child too embarrassed to tell you the truth? (Some children can't bear to admit to their parents that they can't master a skill, such as schoolwork, that they don't understand something, such as sex, or that they're frightened by something, such as a friend's dangerous behavior.) Do your children understand the potential consequences of lying (other than your anger)? Do your children trust that you will help them deal with any problem and that you will never stop liking or loving them -- regardless of what they've done or what's happened to them?

Say what you mean, and apologize when you should:   Manipulation, bullying, or cold shoulders are how most of us learn to ask for what we want. But we then raise children who also can't articulate what they want in an honest, forthright manner. Teach your children to use their words, and resist making them sorry for responding (for example by yelling at them, laughing, getting impatient, or becoming distant). When you want something from your child -- especially if it's something important to you emotionally -- try to say so in a straightforward manner.

Allow your child to be a child:   Several ways in which adults force children to bear the burden of adulthood: sexual or physical abuse; making them carry messages back and forth or referee between family members; causing them to pick on another family member or other person in the community; making them feel family troubles are their fault; making them responsible for the adults' happiness or anger; telling them adult secrets and/or adult confidences; telling them about family troubles that are too big for them; discussing adult issues in front of them; allowing them to watch videos, movies, news programs, etc. that are too old for them; expecting behaviors and attitudes from them that are too old for them; expecting them to assume adult responsibilities; expecting them to lie; withholding of parental love, encouragement and/or support. Your child has a world of time to be an adult; while they're children, protect them from brutal realities.

Apologize: When you goof up (and you probably will), apologize in a sincere manner. This teaches your children that you respect them and that making a mistake isn't fatal.

Be happy for your child:   We've heard a theory that children shouldn't be praised too much, that it will make them selfish, self-centered and vain. To us, this is hogwash. This flies in the face of our instincts and our experience. If your child did something well, tried something hard, learned something knew, is proud of something -- or anything else that makes sense to you -- be visibly and sincerely happy for your child. Don't stop when your child becomes an adult.

When your child teaches you something, acknowledge it:   It's OK to learn from your children. It will happen, and it's a good idea to acknowledge it. Doing so teaches your children several powerful lessons: they are capable; you trust them; you respect them; you're never too old to learn.

Say these words out loud and frequently -- "I love you." "You're beautiful." "I'm proud of you." "I'm glad you're mine."  If you don't feel comfortable saying these things to your child, we hope you will learn to do it anyway. Practice the words in the mirror. Think of your child's desperate desire to hear them. Then open up your mouth and get them out. If you are limited by feelings of jealousy, anger, fear, resentment or bitterness, then we hope you will get some counseling. These are phrases and sentiments your child needs to hear. While you're at it, teach your children to like and love themselves -- as much as they would like or love anyone else. Somehow this critical message often gets lost in the shuffle. And remember -- they're unlikely to like and love themselves if you don't like and love yourself.

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