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Safer Child Thoughts on Child RearingNote: All of the "Thoughts on..." pages represent Safer Child opinion and/or advocacy efforts. Remember: we aren't psychologists, psychiatrists or social workers. Our thoughts come from experience, observation, feedback and research. If you aren't interested in our opinion or advocacy efforts (and we aren't offended if you aren't), you can still obtain the information you're looking for from the other pages. If you would like to comment on anything we've said, please do so. We'd love to hear from you and learn from you, and we thank you for visiting our site. This article, and all other articles posted on our Web site, are protected by copyright and may not be reprinted or distributed without express permission from Safer Child, Inc.
Two things children need to grow up happy and secure There are many important things that go into raising a happy, secure, confident and enthusiastic child. But the more we talk to people, the more we see two clear items from which so many others come. They are: Babies need to know first and foremost that they’re safe -- meaning that they’ll be fed and properly clothed, they’ll be rocked, loved and treated gently, and they’ll be kept safe from harmful elements. As babies grow, this need changes to accommodate new capabilities, but it remains their paramount concern. We suspect it likely remains so for the rest of their lives. Adults view family troubles differently than a child does. Adults generally have a more complete understanding, more information, and better coping skills. Children, on the other hand, usually don't fully grasp what's happening or why. And since they’re naturally egocentric, they tend to believe everything is their fault. Parents, therefore, must make a conscious effort to reassure the child that troubles are not their fault. When a young child asks, “Will you still take care of me when I’m grown up?” the child is traveling that thin line between the need for individuality and the need for safety. In our view, this is not the time to explain about maturity, growing up and away, or living on one’s own. This is the time to reassure: “We will always take care of you.” Children whose sense of security is damaged can spend the rest of their lives in a desperate (often unaware) scramble to regain it. There are many situations that can shake or destroy a child’s sense of safety:
Children who don't feel safe can grow up displaying various characteristics, depending on their personal constitution, their support groups (if any), and their life experiences. But common ones we’ve seen:
The Need for Permission to Become an Individual: As babies grow into toddlers, preschoolers, children and teens, their need for safety doesn’t change, but it becomes increasingly coupled with a need for room to grow into individuals. This means they’ll still be fed and properly clothed, they’ll be loved and treated gently, and they’ll be kept safe from harmful elements – but now they’ll also receive permission to explore themselves, the world and their place in it. Most especially, children need permission to be HAPPY, even if you aren't. Adults view separation, individuality and rebellion differently than a child does. Adults don't generally get their sense of identity and self-worth from a child, but children depend on the adults around them for their sense of self – and thus are incredibly vulnerable to subtle suggestion. If a child isn’t encouraged and/or allowed to blossom, it’s easy for the child to give up curiosity, enthusiasm, hope, and the natural need and inclination to communicate. The brains of babies and young children are incredible sponges – constantly soaking up new information. Therefore, when a child asks, “Why do you…?” or “Why do we…?” or “How does that…?” or “Can I…?” the child is struggling to understand the world – how it works, what the rules are, how to cope, how to exist. In our view, a consistent response of “That’s just the way it is.” or “Because I said so.” or “Hush!” denies children the permission they need to remain curious, aware, and interested. At a basic level, it denies them permission to be who they are. Asking questions isn't "nosiness." It isn't bad or threatening. It's simply the way children learn. We recommend that parents who don't know the answer to a question consider taking some time to help the child find out. Parents who are embarrassed by a question might ask themselves if the embarrassment is something they want to pass on to their children. Perhaps they can consider such times as golden opportunities to gently teach their children appropriate social behavior. And when parents get tired of answering questions, they can explain this to their children and set aside a later time for discussing things. Children who are denied permission to explore themselves and the world around them can spend their lives with a damaged or incomplete understanding of who they are. Confident children are allowed to:
Children who don’t receive the necessary permission to become individuals can display various characteristics, depending on their personal constitution, their support groups (if any), and their life experiences. But common ones we’ve seen:
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