We
All Have Bad Habits: Teaching good communication skills to your
children can be hard, however -- especially if you're having to learn them yourself, as an
adult. So many of us are taught as children that speaking up for ourselves is shameful.
We're told that we don't feel the way we do, that we shouldn't feel the way we do, that
it's bad to feel the way we do, that others won't like us for feeling the way we do.
Eventually, we stop listening to ourselves or really communicating with anyone else. But
we still want what we want, and so in our efforts to get it, we develop poor communication
skills.
Symptoms
of poor skills: Symptoms of poor skills
include these: Not listening to what's being said. Being unwilling to
entertain questions or comments. Listening while reading or watching television.
Interrupting. Not saying please or thank you. Not looking someone in the eye (remember
that this particular behavior is cultural). Lying or obfuscating. Not asking follow-up
questions. Not remembering what we've been told. Indulging in rude behavior with strangers
(in restaurants, stores, or while driving). Manipulation. Whining. Cold shoulders.
Adultery. Bullying. Violent behavior. Snapping at others without cause. Berating others
for their thoughts and feelings -- or trying to tell them what they feel or should feel.
Laughing at others or calling them names. Poking fun in a malicious manner behind
someone's back, or perhaps in front of others.
Symptoms
of good skills: Symptoms of good skills
include these: Discussing problems and triumphs.
Listening without interruption. Asking follow-up questions. Helping your child voice
difficult concepts and emotions. Giving your child daily doses of undivided attention.
Remembering what you've been told. Sitting together, and cuddling during tough
conversations. Speaking calmly and quietly. Using a polite and respectful tone of voice.
Holding back on judgments. Praising for good behavior. Asking open-ended questions,
rephrasing what you've been told to be sure you understand. Saying "I love you"
frequently and sincerely. Paying attention. Being honest,
while still being kind and tactful.
Arguing
is Not Bad: Many people will tell you that
anger is bad, conflict is bad, fighting is bad, arguing is bad, and disagreeing with others is bad. We at
Safer Child disagree with all of that. The world is too complex for all of us to agree on
everything. Sometimes our disagreement will be inconsequential, and sometimes it will
matter a great deal. What's important to proper communication is to learn how to disagree
fairly, compassionately and effectively. This means no walking away, no slamming doors, no
yelling, no name-calling, no litany of previous grievances, no lectures, no manipulation,
no nagging, no blaming the children.
And if you do any of these, it means apologizing to all concerned.
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